Tentacles of Doom

Ted gets some bad news: the holy stone of Clonrichert is being upgraded to a class 2 relic by the Vatican. Three bishops are being sent to the Craggy Island parochial house to perform the upgrading ceremony and this means that the priests must be on their best behaviour, even Jack. Ted has to train Jack to learn some pat phrases so that he can converse with the priests; they are “Yes” and “That would be an ecumenical matter”.

The three bishops arrive; they are Bishop O’Neill, Bishop Facks and Bishop Jordan. The ceremony passes without incident. On their way back to the parochial house all the priests interact with each other informally. Bishop O’Neill and Dougal converse with one another, and Dougal expresses all of his doubts about the Catholic religion. Meanwhile, back at the relic site, Jack rams the holy stone into Bishop Facks’s rectum when he misinterprets his pointy finger as a threat. Father Ted decides to take a trip to the toilet, but unfortunately, Bishop Jordan situates himself over the faulty drain which fires sewage into the air; he suffers a heart attack.

The Bishops leave; Bishop Jordan in a coffin, Bishop Facks in an ambulance, and Bishop O’Neill with a bunch of hippies after losing his faith. Ted reflects that the visit went rather well.


Airdate: 22 March 1996


[Ted’s views on his religion]:
Father Ted: That’s the great thing about Catholicism. It’s so vague and no one really knows what it’s about.

[Dougal having a religious discussion with Bishop O’neill]:
Father Dougal: So, if God has existed forever…you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?

[Father Dougal eager to watch Aliens on the Tv]:
Father Dougal: Bishops love sci-fi!


Extra Stuff


  • Second appearance of Larry Duff who has a terrible accident with a knife-thrower.
  • We discover that Dougal is bathed by Mrs Doyle.
  • Mrs Doyle gets excited by taking on three Bishops at once.
  • Mrs Doyle fears that she looks like A frustrated old bag in her glasses; a dog ran off with her contact lenses.
  • The holy stone of Clonrichert is so holy that a man from England once touched it and grew a beard.


Guest Cast

Bishop O’Neill — Kevin Moore
Bishop Facks — Denys Hawthorne
Bishop Jordan — Paddy Ward
Father Larry Duff — Tony Guilfoyle
Vatican Priests — Malcolm Douglas & Mark O’Regan