Speed 3

Ted discovers that Pat Mustard, the milkman, has been making “hairy babies” with the women of Craggy Island after seeing photographs from the Annual Baby of the Year Competition. The babies all have moustaches and sideburns. This leads to a massive argument between Ted and Pat with Pat smugly muttering You’ll have to get up VERY early in the mornin’ to catch me, Father.

The next morning, Ted and Dougal get up very early to catch the lecherous Pat Mustard in the act. Ted waits for Mustard to leave a house, where he has been delivering milk, and notices that he has left his trousers behind. Ted takes photos of Mustard as proof of his misdemeanours.

When Ted shows Pat Mustard’s boss the photos, he sacks him immediately and replaces him with Dougal, because you can trust a man of God.

Pat Mustard calls Ted the next day using very foul language and tells him that he has fitted Dougal’s milk float with a bomb. The bomb will become active when the milk float reaches 4mph and go off when it drops below 4mph. Meanwhile, Dougal has been merrily going about his duties as a milkman not even noticing that the women he is delivering the milk to are stark naked. They mistakenly believe that Dougal is Pat Mustard.

Ted catches up with Dougal but fails to prevent him from activating the bomb. Ted tells Dougal to keep on circling the roundabout while he finds a solution to the problem. Ted gets assistance from Father Beeching and Father Clarke and together they try to formulate a plan. First, they conduct a mobile mass and then end up watching the Poseidon Adventure because there was a priest in it. Neither help. Ted then has a great idea – PUT THE BRICK ON THE ACCELERATOR. The solution is found and the empty milk float is sent careering into a phone box containing Pat Mustard.

That night, Dougal, just about to go to sleep, exclaims “Those women were in the nip!”


Airdate: 27 March 1998


[Father Ted gets caught in a moral dilemma]:
Pat: You wouldn’t be advising the use of artificial contraception now Father? Would ya?
Father Ted: Yes I…no I…if you’re going to be…I…of course you, you…just feck off!

[Dougal replaces milkman Pat Mustard]:
Mr Fox: (Dougal’s New Boss) You’d better get going, actually. Milk gets sour y’know. Unless it’s UHT milk, but there’s no demand for that because it’s shite.


Extra Stuff


  • Pat Mustard has the signs Milkmen Do It On Your Doorstep! Shit Happens and Young Banger on his milkfloat.
  • Mrs Doyle is so enamoured by Pat Mustard that she has a fridge full of milk. The tea in the parochial house is extremely milky.
  • After Pat Mustard’s death, Mrs Doyle takes down the shrine devoted to him; notably, a large spanner that she was keeping for him.
  • In the final scene, a smoking brick from the sky, a remnant of Pat Mustard’s exploding milkfloat, hits Ted on the head. One of Pat’s signs Shit Happens lands close by.


    The plot is a parody of the films Speed and Speed 2.

    The Towering Inferno is a 1974 film starring Paul Newman and Steve McQueen.

    Pat Mustard’s theme music is The Penthouse Suite by Syd Dale.

    The Poseidon Advenure is a 1972 film in which Gene Hackman plays a Protestant reverend and not a Catholic priest.

    Guest Cast

    Pat Mustard — Pat Laffan
    Mr Fox — John Rogan
    Father Beeching — Eamon Morrissey
    Father Clarke — Arthur Mathews
    Mrs Millet — Gail Fitzpatrick