Night of the Nearly Dead

Pop superstar Eoin McLove, beloved by middle-aged women, visits the parochial house when Mrs Doyle wins a poetry competition. Mrs Boyle wheedles out of Mrs Doyle that Eoin will be visiting on Sunday. This, of course, spreads like wildfire as Mrs Boyle utilises all communication channels to alert middle-aged ladies everywhere.

Eoin immediately makes a bad impression on all the priests. He sniffs the air around Jack and says, I smell wee. While there, Eoin counts down the seconds until his visit will end. Meanwhile, lots of middle-aged women are massing outside the parochial house in a scene reminiscent of a zombie film.

When the time comes for Eoin to leave, his passage is blocked as now many middle-aged women have congregated around the front door. Now, Eoin has become trapped in the parochial house.

The women eventually gain passage into the house by tricking Ted into opening the window so that they can allegedly hear him better recite the marvellous mass he gave last Sunday. The women, now inside the house, are excited to see the sleeping Eoin. Eoin’s assistant, Patsy, and Dougal pull him away and they all escape to the bathroom. The bathroom door is broken down by the women and then the cock crows. Mrs Doyle breaks the trance the women are in by reminding them that their husbands will be wondering where their breakfasts are. The day is saved.

Before Eoin leaves, his very weird behaviour is explained by the fact that he has no willy. The final scene sees Ted on Eoin’s quiz show, a favour for all he has done for Eoin. He fails on the final question, what was Pope John Paul II’s name before he became Pope?


Airdate: 24 April 1998


[Father Dougal Looking out the Window at the massing crowds of middle-aged women]:
Father Dougal: I’m no good at judging the size of crowds,but i’d say theres around seventeen million of them out there

[The explanation for Eoin McLove’s behaviour]:
Patsy: Thanks for everything, Father. Oh, and thanks for not mentioning Eoin’s “problem.”
Father Ted: Oh yes, you mentioned that before. What was it?
Eoin McLove: I have no willy.

[Father Ted on Eoin McLove’s quiz show]:
Eoin McLove: Well Father, you’ve got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner’s Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope?
Father Ted: (long pause across end credits) Jim?


Extra Stuff


  • The only time Mrs Doyle mentions her, probably deceased, husband.
  • The lyrics of Eoin’s song My lovely Mayo mammy are as follows: My lovely Mayo mammy, So gentle and so wise, Rocking on your rocking chair, Baking cakes and pies, My lovely Mayo mammy, My lovely lovely Mayo mam.
  • Dougal believes the darkness has got Something to do with clouds.
  • Eoin eats jam straight from the jar with a spoon.
  • A brick thrown through the parochial house window has a note attached reading Tell Eoin We Think He’s Lovely.
  • Mrs Doyle bakes a banana cake containing a jumper for Eoin.
  • Dougal suggests that they lure the women away with a giant Bingo game, but Ted comments that they lack any Bingo paraphernalia whatsoever.
  • Eoin is encouraged to give Mrs Doyle a goodbye kiss on the cheek. She subsequently faints.



This episode parodies George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead.

Eoin Mc Love is a parody of Daniel O’Donnell, an Irish singer beloved by many middle-aged women.


Guest Cast

Eoin McLove — Patrick McDonnell
Patsy — Maria Doyle Kennedy
Mrs Boyle — Elva Crowley
Mrs Dunne — Rosemary Kennedy
Television Psychiatrist — Vincent Marzello
Mrs Collins — Maggie Shevlin