Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading

It’s lent and the priests decide to forego their vices; Ted his smoking, Jack his drinking and Dougal his rollerblading. Father Dick Byrne tells Ted that they plan to do the same, which is a lie.

Ted and the gang have great difficulty keeping to their Lenten vows, so Ted rings a Church-run addiction agency. The agency promise to send someone over to Craggy Island to help them. It’s not long before Sister Assumpta arrives.

It soon becomes apparent that Ted and Dougal are in for a horrendous time under the dominating presence of Sister Assumpta. They are woken up at 5 am, they are served water in a bowl, they are forced to lie in an ice bath, they are chained to the back of a tractor and their mattresses are replaced by bricks. With no other option available, Ted and Dougal decide to escape to Rugged Island. Ted and Dougal look through the window of the Rugged Island parochial house to see three priests smoking, drinking and skateboarding to their heart’s content.

When Ted and Dougal return to Craggy Island, they are shocked when they see Sister Assumpta sitting on the living room floor, stuffing her face with chocolate eggs. Ted agrees not to tell on her if she goes to the Rugged Island parochial house and doles out the same treatment she gave them. Residents of the Craggy Island parochial house return to their vices.


Airdate: 26 April 1996


[While Ted is trying to eat a sausage]:
Mrs Doyle: They were a bit obsessed with the old…S-E-X. God I’m glad I never think of that type of thing Father. That whole sexual world. God, when you think of it it’s a dirty, filthy thing, isn’t it Father? Can you imagine Father? Can you imagine Father, looking up at your husband, and him standing over you with his lad in his hand, wanting you to degrade yourself? God almighty can you imagine that Father? Can you picture it there Father? Oh get a good mental picture of it. Can you see him there? Ready to do the business?

[Dougal’s response to getting up early]:
Father Dougal: God, I’ve never seen a clock at 5 a.m before!


Extra Stuff


  • Second appearance of Sister Assumpta.
  • Fifth appearance of Larry Duff who is just about to successfully complete a tricky puzzle for a £10,000 prize when Ted phones him on his mobile distracting him and causing him to lose.
  • Third appearance of Dick Byrne and Cyril MacDuff.
  • Fifth appearance of Mary and John.
  • The opening scene shows Ted putting up a cross outside the parochial house. Ted hopes that people will realise that there are priests inside.
  • Ted mentions the Scrabble fiasco when Dick Byrne got all his letters to say Useless Priest Can’t Say Mass. Ted reckons he was cheating.
  • When Jack becomes sober for the first time in a long time, he exclaims Don’t tell me I’m still on that feckin’ Island.
  • Jack jumps throught the window at the sight of Sister Assumpta when he realises she is a nun.


Guest Cast

Father Dick Byrne — Maurice O’Donoghue
John — Patrick Drury
Mary — Rynagh O’Grady
Sister Assumpta — Rosemary Henderson
Father Larry Duff — Tony Guilfoyle
Father Cyril MacDuff — Wycherley
Father Jim Johnson — Chris Curran