Father Ted meets the novelist Polly Clarke at a book signing where she is promoting her new novel Bejewelled with Kisses. Polly tells Ted that she envies the peace of mind and serenity that he must have as a priest. Ted says that he wouldn’t mind a bit of excitement. Ted leaves and after some awkward moments when they inadvertently keep meeting each other, Ted gets back to the parochial house.
When Ted walks into the living room, he sees Polly sitting there. She is renting a cottage on the Island, but it is not yet ready, so the builders recommended that she try the parochial house. Polly stays in the spare room, much to Mrs. Doyle’s displeasure. Dougal is also unsure what to make of a “real woman” in the house.
The next day, Polly tells Ted about her failed marriage. After some discussion about literature, Polly suggests that Ted comes to her house that night for some more “book talk”. Ted accepts and realising what might come about, he says “it’s only a drink” to a picture of Jesus on the back of the settee.
Ted then meets a group of nuns, headed by Sister Assumpta, who are visiting Craggy Island. They tell Ted just how much they love his masses and how much they are looking forward to his mass tonight. Ted then realises that this coincides with his visit to Polly’s, so he comes up with some ridiculous excuse which fails catastrophically thanks to Dougal’s help. He tells the nuns that he can do the mass after all.
Ted performs the mass in about 10 seconds and then disappears to see Polly. Because his car has been blocked in by some parishioners, Ted has to take a lift with Tom who decides to rob a post office, and thus Ted arrives late at Polly’s.
Polly is holding a housewarming party. She forgot to tell Ted this earlier. Everyone is there; the nuns, Jack, Mrs Doyle and Dougal. The nuns are angry that Ted’s mass was so short and Polly tells Ted that she has reached a crossroads in her life. Then Ted discovers that Polly wants to live a peaceful life as a nun. Ted’s possible romance over, he returns to his normal humdrum existence.
[Mrs. Doyle quoting Polly Clark’s books]:
Mrs. Doyle: “Eff you! Eff your effing wife! I’ll stick this effing pitchfork up your hole”, oh that was another one, oh yes![…] “Bastard this” and “Bastard that”, you can’t move for the bastards in her novels; it’s wall-to-wall bastards![…] You bastard, you fecker, you bollocks! Get your bollocks out of my face! […] “Ride me sideways” was another one!
[Tom has just robbed the Craggy Island Post Office]:
Father Ted: You’re not up to your old tricks again, are you Tom?
Tom: No, Father. ‘Tis my money. I just didn’t want to fill out the forms.
[After Ted’s very, very short mass]:
Sister Assumpta: We might not be coming back next year. They say Father Clippit does a good long mass. Three hours he does, on a good night. Since his stroke. That’s value for money!
- First appearance of Sister Assumpta.
- Second appearance of Tom.
- Polly signs Ted’s book Ted Curley.
- The colour blue has a calming effect on Jack.
- Jack has an intense dislike of nuns.
- Ted often has to extract Dougal’s head from the back of the sofa when he tries to look for money.
The title of the episode is based on a 1956 French drama film And God Created Woman starring Brigitte Bardot.
When Mrs Doyle is telling Ted about the profanity in one of Polly Clarke’s books, several of the phrases were not in the original script but were introduced by Pauline McLynn on the spur of the moment.
Polly Clarke — Gemma Craven
Sister Assumpta — Rosemary Henderson
Sister Margaret — Claire Cathcart
Jim Halpin — Don Foley
Tom Pat — Shortt