Ted finds out that his arch-enemy Dick Byrne has plans to enter a song in the upcoming Eurosong competition. Frantic to get one over on him, Ted decides that he and Dougal can write a better song. Working all night on the song, Ted and Dougal come up with a ridiculous and tuneless number called My Lovely Horse. When they play the song to Jack and Mrs Doyle, Jack shows his distaste for the song by shooting Ted’s guitar.
When Dougal accidentally plays the B-side of a track that was Norway’s preselection entry for the Eurosong contest in the 1970s, it gives Ted an idea. The tune fits the lyrics that Ted and Dougal have come up with and luckily the song’s performers “Nin Huguen and the Huguenotes” all died in a plane crash, including anybody who was involved with the song. Ted decides that they will steal the tune.
At the Song for Ireland, Dick Byrne performs his song ” The Miracle is Mine”, and it is extremely impressive. Going backstage for a fag break, Ted is horrified when he hears the tune he has stolen playing in a lift. Now, Ted and Dougal have to revert to plan B and play their original tune.
Unbelievably, “My Lovely Horse” wins the competition. It becomes apparent that the boss of the Eurosong competition chose the entry because they want to guarantee that Ireland loses the Eurosong competition as it has become too expensive to host. The episode ends with Ted and Dougal’s entry being awarded nil points at the Eurosong final.
[Dougal excited about the upcoming Eurosong competition]:
Father Dougal: I’ve got Eurosong fever, Ted.
Father Ted: Yeah?
Father Dougal: Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can’t wait. What time is it now?
Father Ted: Half past one.
Father Dougal: Half one? And the competition is on in…
Father Ted: May.
[Dougal wants to play some music]:
Father Dougal: Ted, could you pass me my record collection?
Father ted: Okay, here it is. (Ted passes Dougal a single record) Oh, and Dougal, you need more than one record for a collection. What you have is a record.
[Ted and Dougal writing the lyrics for their song]:
Father Ted: So what do you want to write about?
Father Dougal: How about… a lovely horse?
- Second appearance of Dick Byrne and Cyril MacDuff.
- The lyrics of My Lovely Horse are
My lovely horse, running through the field
Where are you going, with your fetlocks blowing in the wind?
I want to shower you with sugar lumps, and ride you over fences
Polish your hooves every single day, and bring you to the horse dentist
My lovely horse, you’re a pony no more
Running around with a man on your back, like a train in the night…
- Other songs in the competition are:-
If I Could Wear My Hat Like My Heart by The Grand Girls
You Dirty English Bastards by The Hairy Bowsies
The Drums of Africa are Calling Me Home by Sean O’Brien
Sha La La La La La LaLa La La La La La by Death Pigs
- Jack has no line throughout the whole episode.
Father Dick Byrne — Maurice O’Donoghue
Father Cyril MacDuff — Don Wycherley
Charles Hedges — Peter Caffrey
Fred Rickwood — Jon Kenny